Time for a Commercial Break(down): My 2016 Super Bowl Ad Predictions

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By Allen Callaci

They battled, bled, and waited all year for this moment. Cold-hearted warriors, they take the field with ice-water running through their veins prepared to smash the spines, rip out the hearts and crush the skulls of those who stand in their way. Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing. Win or go home. Scoreboard, baby, scoreboard!

I refer, of course, to this year’s Super Bowl advertisers—those fearless and foolish watered-down beer makers, insoluble dot-com industries and fresh-tasting, preservative-laden tortilla chips makers who paid five million dollars for a 30-second spot to be shoved down 114 million-plus throats during a half-time performance by Coldplay.

Americans wagered an estimated 119 million dollars on last year’s Super Bowl. We can do better! Shouldn’t we pay tribute to those poor, desperate marketing executives and ad agencies who expended all that time, energy and data mining research to determine how to best manipulate our insecurities and secret desires? With this in mind I present to you the betting lines for this year’s 2016 Super Bowl ads. Get your office betting pool started now. And good luck. You’re going to need it.

Will this year’s beer commercials feature more vacuous bikini-clad supermodels than Clydesdale horses?

Yes: 4 – 1
No: 1 – 6

How many Viagra ads will viewers have to endure before halftime?

Over/Under: 3½

How many legendary ex-NFL players will be reduced to shilling for discount delivery pizza franchises whose products taste like cardboard boxes?

Over/Under: 1½

How long will it take before a celebrity sighting of one of your “favorite” CBS prime time stars in the crowd occurs?

Over/Under: 2 minutes 12 seconds

What name will be mentioned more during the Super Bowl halftime show sponsored by Kung Fu Panda 3 and featuring Coldplay?

Po, the Kung Fu Panda: EVEN ODDS
Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay: EVEN ODDS

How many ads featuring happy soon-to-be retirees and the investment bankers and the investment brokers who love them?

Over/Under: 2.5

Which term/phrase will advertisers employ most this year?

America: 2 – 1

USA: 3 – 1

This consumable disposable ultimately meaningless product will not make you a shade happier than you already are:

3,720 – 1

How many million-dollar ad buys will viewers actually remember 43 hours and 15 minutes after game ends?

Over/Under:  -0.5