Who Wants the Nuclear Codes?

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By Liv Jordan

The following is a leaked email press release from the executive of the top-rated reality show Who Wants the Nuclear Codes? Its contents are shocking and betray our whole democratic system. The FBI plans to conduct an investigation into this scandal, but for now they’re kind of swamped with rehashing an already-settled investigation.

Folks, we are fast approaching the night we’ve all been waiting for. On November 8th, in a grand finale you’ve got to see to believe, the American public will cast their votes and decide who will be crowned America’s next top commander in chief!

Whether you’ve been following the contestants from their early days in the race or if you’re just tuning in for the first time during the finale, completely uninformed but with inexplicably strong opinions, here’s a brief recap from our producers of what you missed during the explosive 58th season of Who Wants the Nuclear Codes?

Competition started all the way back in February when we got to know the members of our two teams in the preliminary rounds. In the first challenge, contestants tried to make an impression and prove to viewers why they were exceptional, down-to-earth, and most important, capable of making broad, frightening statements!

The cast of Republicans looked more diverse than ever: a girl AND multiple minorities! We saw the run-of-the-mill White guys who all looked like they would have been more comfortable participating in a Civil War reenactment than talking about modern issues of foreign policy. The one woman redeemed herself for her gender by promising to punish fellow vagina owners. The Black surgeon seemed to be asleep throughout the race and occasionally mumbled sweet nothings about his stabby tendencies. One guy brought to mind the zodiac killer and a few others failed to steal the hearts of conservative America, even though they urged us to steal the dignity of foreigners.

Early on, the season looked to be pretty uneventful. Our producers didn’t hand the prize to yet another Bush. Nepotism didn’t sit well with our focus groups. Reality TV can only handle one royal family: the Kardashians.

Enter, Donald Trump, our ratings savior. Trump — a seasoned reality vet, scandal magnet, and media darling — emerged from the shadows (most likely of the abandoned Trump University/ Trump Steaks/Trump Ice headquarters) as a man of the people; a daddy-money, self-proclaimed billionaire who completely understands the daily struggles of the working class.

Sure, he had no experience, but that’s exactly why we liked him. He put forth bold — albeit vague — plans without burdening us with little details … like facts. Armed with an arsenal of offensive one liners that made for the perfect sound bites, he treated the whole world like an improvised confessional booth, which saved us a lot of money on editing! He worked wonders with our viewership. Just like how the budding country star always won American Idol despite the fact that everyone you know hates country music, Trump appealed to a racist, sexist, homophobic portion of the country that our demographics analysts didn’t even identify! He arrived like an angel, birthed from a multicolored peacock, who gave us huuuge ratings.

Let’s talk about our other team: The Democrats. Every successful show needs a boring part so viewers can grab a sponsored snack or beverage! None of these contestants provided the drama we needed. Like the Republicans, the team consisted of a few nondescript White guys—not the types of faces you can slap on a T-shirt and sell for $50. Our faceless White guys screamed less about Muslims and gays converting our children to Satanism, and more about “policy” and “statistics” … boring!

Only two members of Team Democrat that stood a chance of becoming fan faves. Hillary Clinton, a strong woman who has been challenging the status quo and gender binary for years. A female trailblazer who rocked pantsuits like a political Beyoncé. Perfect for the millennial demographic, right?

Wrong. Instead, our #woke teens flocked to Bernie Sanders, a man who reminded us all of our elderly uncle who told us about getting high at Woodstock but who yells at Girl Scouts for supporting capitalism.

Bernie, a dark horse with a great heart and ideals that appealed to everyone who ever started a sentence with “I mean, doesn’t communism makes sense in theory?” (T-shirts still available on our website).

Bernie got much farther in our race than our producers found comfortable and stirred up some drama about our show being “rigged.” It all worked out though. Those who refused to vote after Bernie’s elimination probably would’ve slept through the finale anyway! Bernie captured the hearts of many — mostly potheads — but as we all know, fan favorites NEVER win reality shows (Here’s hoping for an ill-conceived spin-off show!)

We wound up with Hillary Clinton, our only hope for appealing to the liberal demographic. Sure, she probably sets off metal detectors at airports, but she was married to that cool invincible former winner. Her most recent loss came at the hands of our charming, young reigning champ. She spent every second of the eight-year hiatus of our show reading “How to Be Likeable (for smarty pants)” and converting every wall in her home into a detective bulletin board with motivational statements like “A third term is unconstitutional so they’ll have to settle for HRC!” Everybody loves a comeback kid!

While producers became nervous about one of our finalists being unliked and generally kinda boring, we were blessed with the gift of scandal. Several unaffiliated, unknown, completely anonymous people stirred the pot with the mere mention of buzzwords like “emails,” “murderer” and “Bill Clinton.” Soon, Killary (T-shirts available online) was no longer a docile grandma who couldn’t use a smartphone. She morphed into a nasty old lady who knew how to use a smartphone so well that she had probably sold the entire country to China on the dark web!

Will our show make history by electing the first female commander-in-chief? Or, will we make history by electing the first presidential candidate to use the word “pussy?” Really, there’s no way for us to go wrong.

Join us on November 8th and watch viewers across the country exercise their right to vote, possibly for the last ever time. It’s a night you won’t want to miss … unless the wrong person wins.